A People Pleasers Guide to the 4th Trimester
Last Updated: 20 December 2024
Many people haven’t heard of the “fourth trimester” of pregnancy. That’s because it doesn’t happen during pregnancy. This term is reserved for that special transition period following your little one’s dramatic exit from your womb. In simple terms, it’s the twelve weeks following your baby’s birth. During this phase, your baby is adjusting to life outside the womb as your body adjusts to whatever the hell it just went through in the last nine months or so.
At the same time, you and your partner (or co-parent or support system) are adjusting to the new addition and everything that comes with raising a baby. Friends, family, and loved ones play a vital role in this transformative phase. Offering practical assistance, such as meal preparation or household chores, can alleviate the burdens on new parents. Emotional support, in the form of listening and understanding, is equally important. Creating a network of supportive individuals helps foster a sense of community, ensuring that parents feel connected and less isolated during this intense period of adjustment.
Finding your ideal healing and bonding environment for the fourth trimester is of the utmost importance. It really does take a village to raise a child, so your support system will be invaluable. However, they should be a support system not another drain on your energy or cause of stress.
Getting on the Same Page with Your Partner
Clear communication and mutual understanding with your partner or co-parent are essential in the postpartum period. By working together to set and maintain boundaries, you can navigate this new chapter with confidence. Before your baby arrives, discuss your wishes and outline any non-negotiable boundaries with your loved ones. While these may change as you settle into parenthood, planning ahead helps manage the expectations of your loving but sometimes overbearing family and friends.
The most effective way to prevent feeling overwhelmed is to clearly communicate your boundaries in advance (especially with those you are close to) and have polite but firm statements prepared, allowing you to maintain these boundaries even when exhausted. This proactive approach helps manage expectations and fosters a supportive environment, allowing you to focus on your new baby and your well-being. A united front makes all the difference.
Building a Support System
One of the first things to consider is identifying the individuals you feel most comfortable and supported around—your support system. Think about the role you want them to play in your postpartum experience. Would you prefer to have your mother or mother-in-law stay with you for the first few days, nights, or weeks? Or would you rather navigate those early parenting moments on your own? This is your journey, and it’s entirely your choice how you want to experience and manage those first few weeks.
Whether you’re navigating this journey with a partner, co-parent, or as a single parent, support systems are invaluable.
It’s essential to maintain an open line of communication with your close family and clearly express your expectations. While your family and friends undoubtedly love you and want to help, their eagerness can sometimes feel overwhelming. To ensure their support aligns with your needs, have a few conversations with them before your due date about how they can best support you during this significant transition.
Who Do You Want in the Delivery Room?
Being in the delivery room – be it in a hospital or at home – is something many people feel strongly about being involved in. It’s entirely up to the parents, more so the partner giving birth, who gets to be there for this beautiful bringing of life into the world. Some people want their mom, some want both partners’ parents, some want siblings or best friends, and some want no one but their partner and doctor, midwife or doula. Some families are okay with having their support system wait in another room, while others feel too much pressure knowing that people are simply waiting for their labour to be over.
Connect with yourself and your partner to figure out what will be the most comfortable birthing situation for you. Don’t be afraid of what people will think – this is your baby and your birth experience.
How to Tell Someone That They Will Not Be in the Delivery Room
“We’ve decided to keep the delivery room a private space for just us, but we can’t wait to share the news with you as soon as the baby arrives!”
“I really appreciate your support and love, but I’ve decided to have a more intimate delivery experience. I hope you understand and know how much I value your presence in our lives.”
“We’re keeping the delivery room experience small and personal, and I hope you respect our decision. We’re looking forward to introducing you to the baby as soon as we can.”
When Will You Be Ready for Visitors?
Some parents enjoy having visitors after the birth of their baby, while others may find it overwhelming and disruptive. How you feel about having guests is entirely personal and may depend on your birth experience, your baby’s delivery, and how well you’re adjusting to your new roles. For some, this adjustment is straightforward, but others may face challenges like breastfeeding, calming the baby, and managing other children, which can take time and space to navigate.
It’s helpful to think ahead about your comfort level with visitors after giving birth, as this will allow you to set boundaries and feel more in control during that time. Friends and family may show up at the hospital uninvited, which can be stressful. If this is something you’d prefer to avoid, communicate clearly in advance that your hospital stay will be private time for you and your baby. It’s perfectly okay if you’d rather not see anyone there.
Create a Whatsapp Community or Group
Before your baby arrives, consider creating a WhatsApp community with all your loved ones in one place. This way, you can announce your baby’s birth, share updates and adorable photos, and reinforce any general boundaries you’ve set. This approach will help minimize the number of people you need to keep in the loop and reduce your mental load—you’ve got enough on your plate already!
Consider when you’ll feel comfortable welcoming visitors at home. Think about whether you’d prefer individual visits or if hosting small groups feels more manageable. Keep your plans flexible by checking in with guests a few hours before they’re due to arrive; this way, if you’re feeling exhausted or need extra rest, you can easily reschedule to prioritise you and your baby’s needs. Another option, when you’re ready for visitors, is to set specific visiting hours and let your loved ones know they can drop in during those times. Ultimately, it’s all about what feels right for you—it’s your decision to make based on your comfort level.
It’s also important to communicate how long you’re comfortable with people staying. Whether you can handle a quick 15-minute visit or a bit longer depends on you and your baby’s needs. It might be helpful to prepare some polite statements that can gently signal to your guests when it’s time to wrap things up, ensuring you get the space you need without feeling overwhelmed.
How to Tell Someone You Are Not Ready for Them to Visit
“We’re taking some time to settle in as a family and aren’t ready for visitors just yet. We appreciate your understanding and can’t wait to introduce you to the baby when we’re ready.”
“We’re focusing on bonding and adjusting to our new routine, so we’re holding off on visitors for now. Thank you for your patience and support during this time!”
“Right now, we’re keeping things quiet to rest and adjust. We’ll let you know when we’re ready for visitors—we’re looking forward to sharing this special time with you soon.”
What Are Your Boundaries for Visitors?
Beyond deciding when you will be ready for visitors, it’s equally important to consider what those visits will look like when people eventually meet your little one.
Here are a few things to consider:
Holding & Feeding Your Baby
For many practical and emotional reasons, parents feel differently about others holding or feeding their baby, which is perfectly natural. It’s up to you who you allow to hold your baby. When deciding, consider the context and your comfort level. If you don’t want even close family or friends to hold your baby, set expectations early by communicating your boundaries before the baby arrives to avoid uncomfortable situations. For persistent boundary-pushers, consider using a wrap or carrier during social interactions to reduce the likelihood of awkward moments.
If you’ve decided you’re comfortable with certain people holding or feeding your baby, you might also want to implement some rules to protect your little one’s immune system. Some parents feel more at ease when people sanitise or wash their hands before holding the baby, while others prefer if visitors wear masks. Ultimately, it’s your choice, and you should feel empowered to set boundaries that prioritise your baby’s health and safety.
Social Media
These days, it often feels like the default is to share everything on social media, including photos of your baby. However, it’s important to define your own boundaries regarding your child’s online presence. Whether you prefer no photos at all, are okay with images as long as your baby’s face is covered, or don’t mind public posts, it’s crucial to consider your stance. Make sure to communicate your wishes clearly to friends and family who may want to share pictures of your baby, ensuring your comfort and privacy are respected.
Kisses
We get it: little ones are just so irresistible! However, it’s recommended that guests, visitors, and even family avoid kissing your newborn, as their immune system is still developing. Even though this boundary may be popular among parents, it might not always resonate with older generations who just want to show affection. If you find it hard to communicate this or people keep pushing this boundary, you can always “blame the doctor” by mentioning medical advice. A simple statement like, “Our pediatrician has advised caution to protect our baby’s health,” can help enforce your decision respectfully.
Children
Little ones are adorable but can also carry plenty of germs. It’s important to consider your policy on guests bringing their children and how you’ll manage their interactions with your newborn. Think about setting boundaries to prevent those sticky, germy fingers from making contact and potentially getting you or your baby sick. Communicate your expectations clearly to guests to help protect your baby’s health during visits.
How to Communicate Your Boundaries
Although it may feel unnatural to set all these rules for your loved ones’ interactions with your baby, it’s often best to be direct and clearly state your expectations. Sending a WhatsApp message to everyone can help communicate your boundaries without singling anyone out. Once your boundaries are set, stick to them and reinforce them as needed, like reminding visitors to sanitise before holding your baby or not to give kisses.
If someone continues to push against your boundaries, remind yourself that you are prioritising your baby’s well-being, and your own comfort, and this might help you stick to the boundaries that you’ve set.
Remember, your comfort levels may vary with different people. It’s helpful to have direct conversations with close family members or friends to clarify your boundaries and explain how they can best support you. Most of the time, your loved ones mean well but may unintentionally cause stress, so clear communication is key.
While you can’t change if others try push the boundaries, you can decide how your family engages with extended relatives and friends. Think of these boundaries as training wheels for establishing healthy limits in the future. Reflecting on your ideal postpartum experience can help you determine which boundaries to set, allowing you to avoid feeling overwhelmed by others’ expectations and focus on your journey.
Remember, you don’t have to get everything right or plan everything perfectly—what’s most important is creating a space where you and your baby feel supported and loved.
Key Takeaways
- The fourth trimester is a crucial time when both you and your baby are adjusting to life after birth.
- A strong support system of family and friends can make this transition easier.
- Setting boundaries early helps manage expectations and reduces overwhelm.
- Communicate clearly with your partner to maintain a united approach to these boundaries.
- Your delivery room and visitor choices are personal; decide what feels best for you.
- Be upfront about how people should interact with your baby.
- Consistent, clear communication is key to maintaining a peaceful postpartum experience.
Our Guidance Pledge
We’re dedicated to providing you with practical, evidence-based information to help you make the best choices for your growing family. All content is medically reviewed by our in-house doctor and/or experts such as OB-GYNs, doulas, and midwives, and is based on the latest international guidelines, peer-reviewed studies, and reputable sources from academic institutions and medical journals. Learn More
